So yeah, I really hate venting about myself, but sometimes it feels so damn good, and this way, I don't have to bug anyone close to me about it. So read at your own discretion.
It's been a pretty tough year and a half for me. Obviously nothing compared the atrocities that happen to people on a daily basis, or having a life of "hard knocks." I'm comfortable, my life is stable, and I have a supportive family network. No doubt that I keep that in perspective.
But do you ever wonder why your body might respond better to an amputated leg than a paper cut? Your psychologically and physically go into overdrive for huge traumas...but the little ones usually don't trigger enough of a response and just continue to nag you until one day you're like DAMMIT go away...something to that effect. Basically, I have learned a ton about myself and about other people and I feel a responsibility to impart what little wisdome I've acquired to my invisible public.
For example: I'm not a huge "loyalty" person. I don't believe in the wolf-pack mentality. We were born to think with our heads and not to just go with the majority. Every person has a right to judge for themselves what is right and wrong about others, and how they want to behave. But if you're going to talk shit about someone I don't like to me, don't let me catch you being friendly with them later like you didn't just badmouth them. That's just hypocritical and superficial (saying whatever to anyone so they will like you) and it reflects worse on you than on the person I originally had issues with. It's even worse if I didn't even provoke the badmouthing when I probably had plenty of reason to. Moral of the rant? If you know you want to maintain an even artificially friendly relationship with someone, it's better just to say nothing bad at all. It's not about loyalty. It's about sincerity, to others and more importantly, to yourself.
But somehow that reasoning gets me in trouble. Despite neither joining a wolf pack nor trying to appease everyone, I still managed to make enemies and threaten others and get caught in the crossfire. Or maybe be a source of the crossfire. And I'm not saying I'm a saint, because I'm far from it. But I can't help but wonder what exactly it is I do to drive people away. For one thing, I seem to be a source of constant power struggles. I've always believed in the democratic approach and I usually defer to the majority...but just about every time I've had to make a major decision, someone comes under me and changes it up, making me look like a fool when I'm the last to find out. What's that about? Am I really that unapproachable that people can't just talk to me? Do people just want to be in charge and "can't seem to get rid of Jess the pest?" Or was my ultimate decision so horrible that it has to be completely changed so as to confuse everyone? I could chalk it up to bad luck I guess, bad timing, people wanting things done drastically differently than I...or maybe it's that I'm defensive and take things personally. Guilty as charged. But it's a little hard not to, when it happens constantly. Just rhetorical questions to no one in particular.
Anyway, so those are my dilemmas of the moment. But otherwise I'm perfectly happy. I'm in a good place in my life, and I'll leave it at that. It's just refinement from here on out :)
Happy Thanksgiving! I have much to be thankful for this year in particular.
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3 comments:
I don't know if this helps any, but you're definitely not alone in feeling torn in relationships. We all struggle internally with various issues, and when baggage-ridden people interact with each other, it makes for a turbulent situation. One of the best things you can do, I think, is to figure out what your responsibility is for the conflict, make peace with it, and try not to make things worse by piling on more dirt into the situation. It is not your fault if other people try and undermine you or are behaving hypocritically, so don't feel like there's something wrong with you. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, and it's important to know who to trust and who not to trust.
One tip. Many people (as a group) feel comfortable with the simple action-reaction response of the wolf-pack. Fortunately there are many other individuals who like the paradoxical thinking and particular analysis. So, don´t feel concerned about that, just follow your own path; i bet you will find many people/friends who likes it.. (Just a monkey thought )
For all of you Tons´: have a nice Thanksgiving night!
oh man, I haven't visited this blog in months and I never think to check the comments. Well thanks for your kind words, almost 2 years later! :) I'm sure I've had a similar conversation with you guys at some point between then and now.
For the record, I feel that I'm getting better at dealing with it!
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