PTSD (Post-College Traumatic Stress Disorder)

How apt that I think to post almost exactly a year later from my last post.

School has been so rough for me, admittedly. I'm not failing classes or rotations, nope, I'm exactly average most of the time. Plus I kind of felt like I didn't find my stride for the first 7 months of rotations. Felt like I wasn't going to find anything that lit a spark in me, that I was just going to graduate med school with an "eh" kinda feeling.

I'm really glad things have turned around. I'm excited about the prospect of pursuing OB/Gyn. I've heard all of the terrible things about it, and I know that I'm condemning myself to being overworked and underpaid. And yet, for some reason, it doesn't bother me right now.

Between reading "Half the Sky" over winter break, and going back over everything I've done volunteer work for in the past, I realize that I really care about women. I care so much for their well being and want to help out the most damned women on the planet. The underage sex workers, the latina victims of domestic abuse, the fistula-ridden rape victims in Africa. It all sounds so bleeding heart idealistic, but then, I feel like I'd be such a sellout if I went through my whole life with all this lip service about helping out these kind of people and then not acting on it at all. Living in the 'burbs, getting married, raising kids, owning a dog. IT's what everyone else is doing, right? But I feel like I've gotta respond to this spark. I know, it's a cliche, they say that if you're not liberal when you're 25, you're a coldhearted son of a bitch, but that if you're liberal when you're 50 you're an idiot. Well I hope to be an idiot for the rest of my life.

I really hope I can make my life work out the way I want it to. The problem is, I want it all. I want to be a humanitarian health worker but I also want to keep up with the Jones' to some degree - be able to make all my kids' school events, be able to attend friends' weddings, baptisms, whatever. At this point though, I care more about finding something I'm passionate about. Something I can "write home" about. Hopefully I'll remember this when I'm a grumpy old obstetrician.

Also, have learned to keep my mouth shut. Yes, I like to talk, I like to opine, I like to be as true to myself in public as in private. But I've realized that there are lecherous people out there who will take you down if you show yourself to be vulnerable. I learned that the hard way. No, I'm not angry at the people who spoke badly of me. I probably deserved it to some extent. No, I'm angry at myself for letting them get to me, for expecting a better experience than I got. While I think speaking out is the only way to change things, my sister has reiterated to me that whistleblowers, while good people, often go down. they go down hard, and they go down alone. And when you have a family and financial burdens to take care of, you can't possibly afford to get blacklisted from your own career.

So I'm committing to changing things when I'm finally in a position to do so. Hopefully residency won't break me to the point that I've forgotten what it was like to be a med student. I can already tell that some of my classmates will be this way. But I hope to be a compassionate teaching physician. I hope to be humble enough to tell a student when I don't know the answer, and I hope to welcome any controversial questions rather than strike them down as "questioning authority." I hope to to encourage the questioning of authority because it's shit like that that makes the world run, it's shit like that that makes people better doctors. If you can't explain the reason for doing something, you better figure it out, or else maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Anyway, if people just settled for things, women and black people would still be second-class citizens. So maybe one day I'll be able to work in a hospital environment where there is less hierarchy, less fear of insubordination, and more collaboration. Maybe I'll be able to somehow mobilize disgruntled OB/gyns all around to stand up against opportunistic trial lawyers and try to heal the litiginous climate that has ruined healthcare in this country.

Well, one can at least dream, right?

So Regina Spektor's new album, Far, came out on Tuesday. Even though the album is great, I find myself digging through her old stuff and feeling amazed all over again. I know I've said it before, but when she sings, there is a sense of freedom and peace that I don't think I could ever really achieve. I feel it when I hear it, and who knows? Maybe she has internal struggles that she's able to hide through her music, but I would never know the difference. "Field Below" is the perfect song for people like me, who sometimes feel like they're the last people on earth to be awake, or maybe the first people to wake...but hearing this, they know they're not alone. Also it's perfect for us city-dwellers.

Seriously, maybe it's the summer and mental R&R that I've finally afforded myself, but I'm beginning to feel like I could write music again. I hope that it comes back to me soon. It won't happen overnight, and it won't be perfect, but I've gotten to a place where I'm totally ok with it. It's been a long time since I've been in this high of spirits and confident about my abilities to do things. I feel like I'm learning and growing so much that perhaps I can finally put it to words. I miss being able to express myself like that, but there's hope for me yet! Thanks Regina, as always!

I wish I'd see a field below
I wish I'd hear a rooster crow
But there are none that live downtown
And so the day starts out so slow

Again, the sun was never called
And darkness spreads over the snow
like ancient bruises
I'm awake, I feel the ache